The Day I Removed My Sessions from the Calendar

That day is today. And as I write this, I still have yet to take them off my phone calendar. I guess I’m writing this as a way to make myself accountable for actually taking them down. The buzz of my phone with the once-weekly music therapy session just makes my heart sink. 

I wish I could see those smiling faces right now. I long for those memories of laughter and song. I remember our last visit and I was already nervous that anyone around me could be sick with the virus, but I was there anyway because I kind of had a feeling it wasn’t long until I wouldn’t be able to be there.

I’m going to take it off my calendar. I will. 

But I really don’t want to. It’s like the act of deleting this event on my phone is the act of me giving up on those sessions. I reached out to them for Telehealth sessions, but I know it’s not the same. And honestly, these administrators probably have no time or mental energy to set something up like this. Maybe one day. 

I’m gonna delete it. I will. 

I don’t even know what else to say. I’ve got a weird feeling every time I get a notification. And I’m scared to remove this group from my phone calendar. I feel like if I delete the event, eventually I will forget about the group and our sessions together. I will forget their names, I will forget our songs, and when quarantine lifts, I will forget who it was I had those music therapy sessions with. 

This is definitely me blowing everything out of proportion. My emotions like to make things more extreme than they are or will be. But at the same time, maybe I’m experiencing the gravity of my emotions. Yeah, maybe I won’t ever forget that group, those names, or those sweetly singing voices, but it hurts as if I did. 

Am I holding onto something? Do I need to let it go now?

I think I do, because that notification on my phone is like a stitch in my side. Every time I see it pop up on my phone each Tuesday (or Wednesday for the other group), I get sad. I think it’s time for me to move forward. Not move on… but move forward. I don’t need to feel the pain that such a small reminder gives me, I can move forward to creative ways to provide music therapy now. It’s like I’ve let the notification continue so that maybe I would feel something. It’s like a validation of what the world is going through. 

Well, here I go. Deleting the music therapy sessions, the event reminders, the once expectant days of beautiful musical connection from my phone calendar. 

Delete event. Delete all future events.

With tears in my eyes, I did it.

That day was today.